The Rise of Fictopunk

Whether from the streets of Liverpool, or from the birth place of the Dalai Lama, fictopunk has certainly seen a steady increase in popularity over the past few years. The almost Akashic collective of musical mayhem makers has often been described as the “thorn in the Government’s toe” by critics worldwide. Originally thought to be the brainchild of Tom Delaney, fictopunk has been shaking critics off like a cat in a washing machine. It seems no-one, not even Jesus himself, can escape being ridiculed by fictopunk lyrics. Ficto-icons like The Devices, The Pissheads, Bob’s Not My Uncle, The Fishtraps, and Piss Off Britney, have dominated the movement for over a decade. Churning out albums like a pissed hick in a trailer, these guys have done it all, man.

…But, just what is fictomusic? What does it mean? What does it mean for all of us? Well, these questions are not easily answered. We spoke with Tom Delaney at the Crisis Ficto Conference last Wednesday, and asked him just what the movement is about. “Because,” he explains, “Music is declining, it’s best that we pretend we’re successful.” Not surprisingly, Tom went off on a musical tangent afterwards, and our reporter found it difficult to use his legs let alone think properly, after some plaster-faced hick slipped something in his beer.

It seems that ficto is just a musical movement with a difference. In a world of ficto, drugs are freely available and police stations are public lavatories. Ficto grabs hold of the weedy-looking emo kid in and the bar and throws him out the window. Ficto never minds the bollocks. Ficto can be applied to almost anything in the universe and still not sound like a cheap pack of Greek duty-free cigarettes. Ficto doesn’t even dictate on what pair of shoes needs to be worn to be an anarchist. Delaney is not alone in his strange ravings; there are plenty of individuals from all over who seek ficto. Its hunger for popularity will undoubtedly echo in the not-so-hollow minds of its followers. With an ongoing attack on free-thought, free-media, free-anything, ficto seeks to repair all of it in one foul swoop.